It’s hard not to feel like it’s my fault. I put myself out there. Years ago I created a profile on a website and talked myself up. I asked for the attention.
I got it.
I have to admit, at first it was flattering. I got a lot of attention. It felt so good to be wanted.
Over time I got used to it. Maybe I took it for granted. On a regular basis I got approached. A pattern emerged after a while: Most were duds. They didn’t have much to offer and would chat up anyone. Easy enough to ignore.
A small minority have been aggressive. I have to say, sometimes this works. The guy who called every 6 months for 2 years? He almost got somewhere with me. He was nice and took me to lunch once. The timing just never worked out between us.
Others are just cold and calculating. It’s clear they only want one thing and they aren’t beyond harassing me to get it. The stupidest thing is that I’m not what they think I am. I’m not a real person to them; I’m whatever they are projecting on to me at the moment.
I might say “No thanks” and be challenged with questions. Do I know what I’m passing up?, I’m asked. Other times I’m tempted to say “fuck off”, but that’s bound to result in more conflict than I want. For the most part I just ignore them and hope they go away.
I have some guilt. Some people would kill to get the attention I do. I should be grateful, shouldn’t I?
What a bitch.